Certain Confusion
by FrostWing27
Summary: A Pepsicola fanfic. (DaveXJohn.) Credit for general idea to Hana-Dono. Rated T for language, self harm, depression, suicide, and mild romance- no lemon, sorry. John has invited Dave over for the summer, but has no knowlage of his secret...
1. scenery

**New story, Yay! As said, Pepsicola or DaveJohn. I started and finished two different stories in one day for you guys, yay!**

 **Anyways, I probably wont update this again for like a week cause cliffhangers. :) The general idea for this story came from an unfinished Hana-Dono fanfic, so yeah credit to her. Tell me what you think!**

 **Reviews/follows/favorites are lovely as always.**

 **Have a nice morning/day/evening/night, loves!**

 **~Dave POV~**

The passing scenery flits past your vision as you look out the window of the truck, your bro driving beside you. Even though the view is nice, you can't stop your mind from wandering back to John. You've never met him in person as he lives in DC and you're in Texas, but you know what he looks like through pictures. He's such a nerd, what with his square glasses and buck teeth. But you get to meet him later today. You just have to get through the ride to the airport and the time on the plane.

Dirk chuckles.

"Excited, little man?" You nod, mind still racing. You feel like you've known him forever but you've never even met him. What if he's different in person than he is on pesterchum? What if the pictures were fakes, and he's actually some 30 year old creep? You shake the thought out of your head and look out the window again. You can defend yourself, anyway.

Supposedly John's dad had to go on a business trip over the entire summer and he didn't want John alone the whole time. Due to this, you had been invited to come and stay at his house for the duration of the trip. Bro generally let you take care of yourself anyways, so he went along with it without complaint. You tapped your fingers on the windowsill for a while before slipping on your headphones, letting the bass-heavy music run through your head.

You finally pulled up to the airport, bro pulling over by the front entrance. He got out and pulled your stuff out of the back for you.

"Thanks."

"Have fun, bro." The two of you share a fist bump before he gets back into the car and drives off, waving out of the window as he goes. You wave back before taking your single bag with you into the airport. You were never a heavy packer.

Inside the airport was busy and noisy. All of the walls were white and the floors are a sort of design that is made out of a marble-ish looking material. There are plenty of screaming children around and many stressed parents. You walk up to check in and give them your bag, having already printed out your boarding pass.

Security has an extremely long line as always, so you again pull on your red and black beats and put on rap. It's something distracting enough to keep you busy as you inch through the line. Once at the metal detector you pull out a note from your doctor saying you have a medical condition that makes you keeps your shades on. Technically it's not the reason, but it is a legit note so they accept it and let you through.

Your boarding gate is close to security, so you have some time and quickly make a stop at the airports McDonald's. You haven't eaten since breakfast and it's 6:30 PM. You intake the food with pleasure and walk to the gate as you eat. You get in line early and board rather early, sitting in a window seat somewhere in the middle of the plane. You pull up the window shield and look out. Due to the fact that it's summer the sun is still up and you can see the people outside shoving bags into the plane. You see your bright red bag thrown in with the others and sigh. Your turn tables are in there- hopefully they didn't break.

The plane smells like antiseptic and the walls are a grainy grey, and rather odd looking people fill in the seats around you. Beside you sits a mother and her small child. The little girl looks at you and you smile at her. She smiles back before looking at her mother and whining for her I pad. You roll your eyes behind your glasses and pull an actual book from your bag and start reading.

The flight is only about two and a half hours so it shouldn't be too bad, what with the little girl preoccupied. Her mother looks dead tired and frazzled, her hair greasy and a mess. Bags hang under her eyes. You assume that she'll probably sleep, which after the plane takes off, she does. When you lift off the ground you get a lightness in your stomach like you do on a roller coaster. The view from the window slowly gets smaller. The different parts of land look like quilt squares sewn together, and the cars little ants before disappearing into the clouds.

They look almost like white cotton candy but not quite, as there's no glint of sugar in the sunlight and the fluff is almost brighter, clearer. The sky above them has no hint of anything but blue, and you can see the light dropping as you get later into the night.

About half an hour later, the sky is a deep blue but not completely dark. You can just now see the first star, and the colors of the sky are blending between day and night. The light is barely on the clouds now and even after just a few seconds, the sky has already turned into more of a deep purple. You wish you could see through the roof of the plane. Many people speculate on the horizon and colors of the sunset, but if you lie on the roof and just look straight up there's something different altogether.

Instead of just one solid color as you might expect, it's this deep royal purple mixed with blacks and blues and stars. It's like everyone is so infatuated with the colors, they miss out looking into the universe itself. Sure you can see stars at night, but it's no where near the same as sunset.

Just as you think this a baby a few rows down starts to scream and cry it's little lungs out. You groan softly and turn the music on your headphones up even louder. The mother next to you stirs and it gets you thinking.

You never had a mother, and never will as far as you know. You don't know where you came from, and neither does your bro. One day you just sorta showed up, and he took you in. You can believe this without thinking you're a love child due to the fact that your brother is 100% gay.

You've contemplated the subject before and shake it out of your thoughts. Thinking about it never helps anything, and you start to think about John again instead. Nothing should go wrong. He invited you over, you don't have to go to school, you're sleeping in separate rooms, you should be fine.

As long as he doesn't see you putting on your binder.


	2. Staying You

**IM SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG MY COMPUTER BROKE DOWN!**

 **I wrote this on a friend's laptop, and I'm so sorry it took so long. I should have a new computer by tonight, so if that works out you may get another chapter then or tomorrow morning.**

 **Thanks for the patience!**

 **So the sadstuck starts in this chapter. So does the JohnDave, at least somewhat.**

 **Reviews/favorites/follows are always nice.**

 **Have a great morning/day/evening/night lovelies!**

 **~Dave POV~**

You walk out into the terminal, swaying slightly as you blend in with the crowd surrounding you. People of all different shapes, sizes, nationalities and ethnicities are in a wave, and you just happen to be a part of it. Looking down quickly, you skim through the messages on your phone. John said he would be outside in the pickup of terminal 4, so you head there and separate with most of the crowd. They all head to baggage claim as you walk away, having brought your only bag as carry on.

Much of the airport is loud, and you can hear people's noises all around you. It seems to enfulge you with your own silence, a bubble of calm in the chaos; but not for long as you slip on your headphones and once again let the sound of rap and beatboxing fill in your own absence of noise.

The walk isn't too long before you step outside and see John's car, sitting a ways down the line of cars pulled up beside the curb. You smirk when you see his face through the driver's window; he looks just like he does in the pictures. Dorky glasses, a resting, open mouth smile, buck teeth, clear, blue eyes. He's absolutely adorable.

Striding over in a crowd so he doesn't see you, you make your way over to him. As soon as you get to him you bend down and knock on the passenger window with a smirk. He looks over, surprised at first, but it quickly turns into a grin and he unlocks the car door. You slide in and he offers a hand. You shake it and he seems to grin wider.

"Hi, I'm John. Well, I guess you already knew that." He giggles.

"Dave, for confirmation." He giggles again and begins to talk up a storm, bring up the house first.

"So, the two of us will be in different rooms. I'll stay in my usual room and you'll be in the guest room. They're connected through the bathroom, so we'll be sharing that. You can go anywhere in the house…" You stop listening. Sharing a bathroom? That could be dangerous. If he finds you naked, or getting into the shower, or putting on your binder or anything of that sort, he would find out your biological gender. You have no idea how that would go down. He could kick you out, he could rape you, he could hurt you, hate you for not telling him….

Or he could accept it.

You shake your head slightly, not enough to be visible to John and try to listen, but the entire 30 minute ride to his house the only thing you can think about is what if he finds out?

John pulls up to the house and you both pull open and slam the doors shut before walking up to the house in the dark. He slips the key into the lock and opens up the mahogany door to a huge home filled with jesters. The living room and kitchen are about twice the size of your entire apartment alone, and for once the place you're going to be living in is actually clean! The house almost looks new, with high ceilings and tall doors that make it look even more spacious.

John leads you straight to your room and lets you shower and change. You grab a spare set of clothes from your bag and walk into the bathroom, making sure to lock both connection doors before taking off your shirt. Below it is your binder and after your remove it, you stare like you always do.

Red lines and scars run across your chest. You hate the balls of fat that just sit there, proof that you're actually a girl. You've cut them multiple times out of anger and hate. You wouldn't be surprised if it was also connected at least somewhat to depression. You sigh and slip off your pants and boxers, equally as disgusted by your v, although you haven't gone as far as to cut it. After slipping off your shades last you step into the shower and turn on the water, letting it run cold over your body.

You remember as you were growing up, you never knew what to do with yourself. Until you were about 11 you had long hair, then cut it into a pixie cut. That was the first step to becoming a guy. Then you started shopping in the boys section, and your bro was ok with that. He just said "Sure, lil' sis." And so you dressed like a guy. On your 12th birthday you were sat in front of the computer, looking through binders when you called out, "Hey bro, can I get one of theses for my birthday?" He walked over and looked at the screen before saying "Sure, lil' sis." A few months after, you asked him; "Hey bro, can you call me Dave from now on?" And he simply responded "Sure, lil bro."

Ever since you had been rejecting the changes that your body had been making. You hated your breasts and began to cut them. When you got your first period at 13 you were so depressed you didn't eat for a day and a half. Ever since you've had lingering depression. The pills you take are in your bag;

Yet another thing you have to hide.

You sigh, wondering if this had actually been a good idea or not, before you turn off the faucet and dry off your body. The first thing you put on is your binder and boxers, then sigh again and turn to your shirt and pants. Slipping on your shades, you walk out and down the stairs, hair still dripping onto your shirt.

John smiles when he sees you and you smell the aroma of nachos.

"Sorry, I'm pretty limited when it comes to cooking, but I made something without burning it!" His grin is so wide you smile slightly as well and grab a plate over his shoulder. You're easily a foot taller than him and tower over his head, but he doesn't seem fazed. You suppose he's used to people being taller than him, he's barely 5 feet tall.

The two of you sit in front of the TV to eat, John putting on one of his shitty Nick Cage movies. You make fun of it and laugh when he tries to defend it, but somehow he doesn't seem to mind. Sure he pouts, but you can tell he's not seriously angry; you've known him for years, although you've just now met him in person. For some reason you find your gaze wandering over to his lips and teeth. How sweet they look, and soft…

You stop and look away. Love outside of family or platonic relationships can mean sex, and sex means him finding your… less favored parts. You sigh and turn your attention to the nachos, wondering how long you can keep this up….

If you can stay you to him forever.


	3. Not Normal

**Hey, sorry this chapter is short. I should have another one out today.**

 **Recently I've started brainstorming with my friend Tastychicken. She's not on Fanfiction, but she's on tumblr and insta and stuff I'm pretty sure so check her out. Also, obviously, credit to her for some of the ideas in this fanfic and probably more to come.**

 **Thanks to all the people who followed/favorited, it made me really happy! :)**

 **Reviews/follows/favorites are nice.**

 **Have a Wonderfull morning/day/evening/night lovelies!**

 **~Dave POV~**

Your eyes flutter open and you look up at a grey colored ceiling, only illuminated by a small crack of light that comes through the curtains. You sigh, throwing the covers back over your head. The air in there is too hot and sweaty for you and you throw them back over your torso, taking a deep breath of cool air before sighing and getting out of bed. The hardwood is cold against your bare feet and you shiver. You thought it was supposed to be summer?

You walk over to your bag sitting on the floor and pull out your binder, slipping it on below your pajama shirt before plodding downstairs. You look at the clock above the fireplace where John's Nanna's ashes used to be. It says 10:30, which is pretty normal for you. You don't see John in the kitchen, so you figure he's still asleep

There are quite a few cabinets in the kitchen that you assume hold food in place of a pantry, so you open one. You're completely confused at what you see;

There's about 7 whole cakes shoved in there.

… Better than smuppets. You shrug to yourself and pull one out. It's already cooked and it's just sitting there, might as well eat it. You're about halfway through it when you hear John in the doorway and look up. He just sorta looks at you, and then the cake, and then back to you for a while before he breaks out into a grin and runs towards you in an embrace.

"THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU _YOU'REEATINGTHECAKEYES_ THANKYOUUUUUUU!" You try your best not to blush under your shades and miserably fail, feeling heat prick your skin.

You start to eat the cake over his shoulder and he laughs, squeezing you even tighter. You doubt he even knows how much you're blushing, and you hope he can't feel your heartbeat because it's going faster than Usain Bolt. He giggles again before getting up.

"Wanna play Mario Kart?" You smile and nod, letting him lead you over to the couch and in front of the TV.

John walks over and turns on the system, throwing you a wii controller and eventually sitting next to you on the couch. Even though the couch is huge, he sits right next to you, shoulders almost touching yours. You smile slightly and start the game.

John made a big mistake choosing Mario Kart.

The entire time you play, there are about 7 rematches, each one held by John and each one won by you. Even on rainbow road you beat the shit out of him, placing 2nd while he never even had the time to finish.

"UGHGHGH YOU BEAT ME AGAINNNNN!" He laughs afterwards and you do as well, struggling to keep from tackling him playfully. The two of you play games like this for the rest of the day, you beating him at most matches. You eventually both go to bed and you lie there for most of the night awake.

You were having so much fun all day, and you actually felt _accepted._ John's smile, his hair, his teeth, his overall personality, it was all just so… perfect. Maybe he would be ok with it… maybe it would be alright to tell him about your secret…

But you're not normal. And right now, he thinks you're normal. What will it be like when he finds out you're not?

People have found out before.

They all thought you were a freak.

You can't have that happen with him.

So you pull the thought out of your mind, throwing it into the oblivion of the darkness and try to fall asleep. But even as you try to block it out, in the back of your mind you know;

 _You are not normal._


	4. Ruined

**Oops I sadstucked. :/**

 **The rest of this is just gonna be like, sadstuck. I gave you some fluff, but that was pretty much the last of it... I hope thats ok.**

 **So, some of these ideas came from Tastychicken who also helped edit, idk hopefully she'll be on fanfic soon. Maybe not though.**

 **Two chapters in a day cause last one was short.**

 **Reviews/follows/favorites are wonderful as always.**

 **Have a nice morning/day/evening/night, loves!**

 **~Dave POV~**

There is cake literally _all over_ the kitchen.

Woops.

You laugh and sit down next to a frosting covered Egbert, he himself laughing with his head back and his eyes closed. The couch is also getting smeared with white and blue, bits of yellow cake embeded into the colors. You smile and look over to see him looking at you. The way he looks at you is somehow different, somehow… special.

You wonder if you're enough to him.

Maybe, just maybe, even though you're biologically a girl, this could work out. Maybe if you just…

"I think I love you." He stares at you for a moment, blank with shock. You keep your poker face on and stay cool, calm. But what if he says no, what if-

Before you can think of anything further, his lips are pressed against yours and he's kissing you. You can't help but smile into it as you kiss back, lips pressing upon lips, love intertwining with love.

The kiss starts out slow but then gradually becomes more intense. You push against his lips with your tongue, silently asking him to open his mouth and he abides. Your tongues intertwine and the heat in the room seems to rise along with your heart. Your blush spreads from under your glasses all the way to your ears and you smile into the kiss. You only pull away for a moment to take off your glasses. He looks into your candy red eyes and laughs with delight.

"They're so pretty!" You smile and go back in for a kiss.

Maybe, just maybe, everything will be alright.

You fall back onto the couch, you ontop of him, and kiss each other even more deeply. Your legs intertwine with his and he runs a hand through your hair, down your arms, down your chest. eventually you pull back for air and start laughing. He does the same and you climb off of him, letting him sit up. You sit next to him and pull him into your lap, wrapping your arms around him.

You nuzzle your head into his hair as he bends over, grabbing the remote and turning on the tv. He switches through the channels until he finds Con Air and squeals, turning up the volume. You chuckle and rock side to side, finding comfort and warmth in the embrace.

The two of you snuggle until around halfway through the movie when you start to feel a wetness soaking through your jeans. _Shit,_ you think to yourself and set John aside. As you get up you're careful to angle your body so John can't see the possible blood stain on your pants, but as you walk through the door he says,

"Dave?"

You poke your head through the doorway, making sure not to show your bottom half. He looks at you and points to a crimson spot on the couch.

"What's this from? Are you bleeding?"

You look at him. Your shades are still sitting on the couch, so it's hard for you to hide the fear and exasperation in your eyes. Without saying anything, you slam the door shut and click the lock. Oh my gog oh my gog oh my gog oh my gog… he has to know. He has to know now. You were just kissing him, loving him, you were…. no, _he_ was yours.

And now that he knows you're a girl, you're positive that that's gone.

Before you know it, you're crying. You're crying and you can't stop, wet sobs that you somehow keep silent. You slide down the door slowly, slipping onto the floor and letting the liquid drip from your eyes. The only light in the room comes from the moon shining through the window. You can see the vague silhouette of the toilet and sink, and force yourself to crawl over to one before you puke your guts out, disgusted. Disgusted with yourself for actually believing you could be happy.

You can almost hear someone calling your name in the back of your mind, but somehow it just feels like white noise that blends in with the rest of the buzz your head. The only thing that comes through clear are the voices. They were gone for so long and now they're back… come to think of it, did you take your pill this morning?

You don't remember.

"He hates you now." "You ruined it." "You're disgusting." "You're a freak." "Why don't you just kill yourself."

The last voice hits you hard. In fact, why shouldn't you?

The first slight hick escapes your throat for the first time in the entire escapade. You feel audible sobs rising in your throat and try to push them down but fail, letting out a loud, pained cry that seems to echo throughout the entire world. You stand up as best you can, legs shaking as you sob and slide open the window. It takes way too much effort but you manage to climb onto the toilet and swing your leg through, sliding through the small space as well as you can.

You finally know what you're doing. Finally know where you're going. And you're so happy, yet devastated at the same time… Because everything had finally been ok. And you ruined that.

Just like everything else.


	5. Tired

**Hey guys.**

 **Sorry this is short, I just didn't want to drag it out too long.**

 **Next chapter is the last chapter, and it'll be in John POV for the first time. It might be out tonight, I honestly don't know, I'm pretty tired.**

 **Soooooooo much sadstuck.**

 **Reviews/follows/favorites are nice as always.**

 **Have a wonderful morning/day/evening/night, lovelies!**

 **~Dave POV~**

You feel so dizzy. And tired. And you don't know why you're running anymore.

You don't know why you're doing anything anymore.

John's bathroom window is on the first floor, luckily, and leads out into a forest that was out the back of his house. John had told you about this place before, and you know it is perfect. He has marveled about the view from the top of the cliff at the very back of the forest that showed a flowered meadow, and how someone had put stairs going down the side so you could get into it.

You aren't planning on using the stairs.

There were too many trees in this place. You kept on running into branches that you didn't see before, getting distracted by that one, and running into the next. But you were staying off the path; that way was too dangerous. You can hear your own panting, feel yourself slip in the mud multiple times and keep running, but none of it feels real.

Nothing feels real. The cold wind that for some reason comes with the warm air mixed in and you can't understand it. Everything is so complex, so hard, so painful. Even just running takes all of your concentration, one foot after the other, one leg at a time.

Your chest is so tight, but you know it's not from the running.

John doesn't love you anymore.

 _John doesn't love you anymore._

You start crying. You never even realized that there was pause, but when it happens tears are just continuously streaming down your face. You hic and your vision blurs quickly, but stopping isn't an option. You know that the minute you stop, you'll fall asleep. That sounds so nice… But if you stop here, you won't get to sleep forever;

And you want to sleep forever.

There are spaces coming through the trees now and you can tell that you're reaching the end of the forest. What you've needed to happen for what feels like so long is finally happening, you can almost see the field-

Out of nowhere, there isn't any ground anymore.

You can feel the air rushing through your hair as you free fall, and you're almost flying. Flying away from all the sadness, the pain, the hurt, cutting, depression…

You're finally free.

You close your eyes and just let go.

You're so tired, and you can finally sleep forever. You think you'll just finally sleep forever...


	6. Tears of An Angel

**You guys, I cried editing this.**

 **LAST CHAPTER AHHHH! Next fanfic is either going to be a Gamkat or Erisol, I can't decide. Put your votes down in the reviews.**

 **Aight, lets just get on with it.**

 **Reviews/follows/favorites are cool as always.**

 **Have a nice morning/day/evening/night, darlings!**

 **~John POV~**

You run as fast as you can along the path, dust kicking up behind you. You haven't been this scared and confused before in your entire life. When you'd finally been able to open the door to the bathroom, Dave wasn't there anymore. There was puke in the sink and the window was open. Before you had heard his cry loud and clear, and you knew. You knew that he was done.

Or she?

You don't know anymore.

All you know is where Dave is going.

You had told him about the cliff before, you remember it. It was so amazing, and yet all you could think about was how much Dave would love it.

That's when you knew that you loved him.

You try to race faster, stumbling somewhat but continuing regardless. You don't care what happens to you, but you have to get to him. The entire forest seems too silent. Too long, too much. You need to go faster, get to him faster. Eventually you see the clearing and run up to the edge, stopping and looking over it.

Oh my god.

You can see him.

 _And he's not moving._

You run down the stairs as fast as you can. You can feel tears blurring your vision, and before you can wipe them away you trip, falling on the stairs. You get up, letting the blood on your knees run down and fall to the ground. You don't care, the sting is nothing compared to the pain that you feel now.

Making your way down the rest of the stairs you run to Dave. He's laying on the ground and there's blood running down from his head. His right leg is bent behind him at an awkward angle and there's blood running down from his mouth, dripping onto the golden grass.

His eyes are closed. And they aren't opening.

You pull his head onto your lap and bend down your own, willing him to wake up.

"Dave? Dave this isn't funny. This isn't fucking ironic, DAVE!"

Your sobs seem to resonate in the silence.

"It can't be true, I'm losing you- DAVE, TELL ME THESE WORDS ARE A lie oh god… Can you hear me? Dave, Dave please answer me please."

You pull his hair back out of his face, willing his eyes to open. Willing them with your entire being.

He can't be leaving you, he's right here, everything is going to be fine…

You can't let go. You kiss him but his lips are cold, not the warm, soft ones you know, and he doesn't kiss back.

You cover your ears, close your eyes, look up and away from him. The sky is dark, but the moon is bright, just like his hair. It hurts too much. You look across the field, but all of the flowers are red, just like his eyes. You look back down. Maybe if you wipe off the blood he'll just be sleeping, he'll just wake up in a few minutes, right? Yeah, that's right.

"Dave?"

You look at him. He looks so at peace, almost happy, resting there in your lap…

"I-" You hick in the middle of your sentence, your tears falling down onto his face.

"I still love you."


End file.
